"He's Just Not That Into You"

started this blog in the hopes of being able to find humor in all of
the bad dates that I was going on.  However, as of May of last year I
am officially retired from the dating world.  I, the self proclaimed
crazy cat lady am married.  I jokingly told my husband that people
would be coming to the wedding just to see whether or not it was true
because me getting married was so unbelievable.

So what to do with a dating blog as a married woman?  Give advice of
course, or at least offer my opinions.

At least once in their life every girl has dealt with the “does he
like me or not” dilemma.  In fact there’s even been a book written
about it, and they made the book into a movie.  ‘He’s Just Not That
Into You’, it seems like that should be a fairly easy concept to
grasp.  If the guy likes you he makes the effort, if he doesn’t make
the effort he probably doesn’t.  The problem is life rarely deals in
black and whites.  There’s always a grey area.

Women want to believe that the guys they meet really do like them.  At
first glance it may seem like it’s the woman who is completely naïve
and perhaps too trusting.  The problem is the guys give girls reason
to believe that they do really like them.

Sometimes I think guys just want desperately to be liked and will say
whatever they need to in order to make that happen.  Even if it’s only
for one night.  This creates the grey area.  There’s a great first
date with talk of all the things the couple can do together in the
future.  The girl feels secure and happy thinking that she’s found a
great guy.  Then nothing.  No calls, no texts, nothing.

So what happened?  This is generally where the grey area arises.  It’s
easy to say that “he’s just not that into” if he doesn’t call, but if
he really wasn’t that into you why did he say all of those things?

I think the reason is two fold.  First the guy desperately wants to be
liked, and wants to have sex.  I’ll never understand the amount of
work that guys will put into getting a girl into bed, they’ll promise
the moon to just spend the night.  Secondly I think there’s a
neediness involved.  Guys need to have an ego boost.  When they make
all of their future plans it insures (or at least that’s the idea)
that the girl will be around.

Girls are taught that they need to be “emotionally available”.
Generally that means that the girl needs to believe everything that
they’re told.  If you refuse to believe what you’re told then it’s
assumed you’re going to miss out on the “good one”.  Guys use this to
their advantage.  They make just enough promises and give just enough
to keep the girl hanging on.  The funny thing is this is completely
acceptable behavior.

While teaching girls that they need to be ‘emotionally available’,
society has taught guys that there is a list of behaviors that are
totally normal just because they’re guys.  One of those being the fear
of commitment and this fear can explain a laundry list of bad
behavior.  By citing this fear guys can date a girl for an indefinite
amount of time and then just bail at any given point.  Girls will make
excuses for the guy, and the guy can do whatever he wants.

The guy can cite fear of commitment as a reason for making promises
that he has no intention of keeping.  This way the girl sticks around
and responds whenever he seeks her out.  Girls make excuses for the
guy because they don’t want to believe that he’s really not
interested.

Maybe he is interested, but just not that interested.  He’s interested
enough to try and keep the girl around, but not interested enough to
make it anything more than just an occasional date.

So what’s a girl to do?  If she doesn’t trust what guys tell her she’s
cold and not emotionally available.  If she takes everything a guy
tells her at face value, she’s naïve and perhaps a little crazy.

I suppose at the end of the day the best you can do is take everything
with a grain of salt, hope for the best, and be willing to start again
if it doesn’t work out.